Thursday, July 12, 2012

Fifty Shades of Grey plus Steak Stoopid

Hello again everyone,

There have been several articles that could have been posted here of late, but for this post I have been waiting for something that really spoke to me as being remarkably stupid to continue with the tradition the right way...luckily for all of us, I have finally found my muse.  You know the drill...I find the stoopid in the news and make fun of it, so without further adieu....

Boyfriend assaults girlfriend with steak sauce over ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’

Haha....awesome.  Alright, here is the rundown if you are lazy and don't want to read the article right away.  A man assaulted his girlfriend by attacking her with a bottle of steak sauce because she had been reading "Fifty Shades of Grey".  Yes, this actually happened, although it did happen in the UK which makes it slightly less surprising.

First, to the author of the article....for shame.  Within the first sentence you use the obvious pun of "sauciness" to describe Fifty Shades of Grey.  I understand that, at times, puns are unavoidable and/or irresistible, but there is already a bunch to make fun of need for puns.

Second, really dude?  You honestly thought that Fifty Shades of Grey was so pornographic and distasteful that you had to go over to her place, slap her in the face, and then treat her like you would an overdone steak from Ruby Tuesday's?  Aside from the fact that you are scum of the earth for assaulting a woman, making a bottle of A1 an accessory to a felony is low.  Plus....who the hell carries around a bottle of steak sauce?  Its like he opened his glove box, saw the bottle, and was like "I never thought I would have to use this....but she leaves me no choice".  

Finally, to the chick.  First, sorry you got assaulted, that probably sucked.  More importantly, Fifty Shades of Grey is beyond terrible.  Its shoddily written and obviously just an attempt to get your juices flowing as a female while still being mainstream enough to be accepted by the public at large.  Its basically the next evolution of Twilight....S&M and all.  You probably do deserve to have some Heinz 57 dumped on your head if you enjoy reading that crap.  Join every other freedom-loving internet user and download your kinky porn at 1 am.  

Monday, June 25, 2012

News is confirmed by the Loch Ness Monster

Hello everyone. This is the start of a reboot of my personal blog. While I thoroughly enjoyed posting my musings on various topics as I got the urge to write about them, I just didn't have enough inspiration and motivation to come up with topics and write about them. While I'm sure some minor giggles would have been received from me just posting pictures with funny captions, I think we can do better. As a result, its been quite some time since I posted anything at all... ...until now. Starting today and recurring basically anytime I see something I deem to be stupid, an example of something Darwinism missed, silly, moronic, etc in the news....I will share it with you, the people, along with my thoughts on it. No, I will not use a consistent standard for what is deemed to be worthy of inclusion other than I will be the one making that judgment. Yes, there may be some level of personal or political bias...although I do believe dumbassery transcends all boundaries. Hopefully this is enlightening...but at the very least I want it to be funny. With that in mind....

If Jesus turned water into wine, what did THIS used to be?

Alright, here is the gist of the article...there is a Christian academy in the bowels of Louisiana (which receives public funds) that, in order to bolster the case against evolution in their science classes, is promoting the ideas that both the Loch Ness Monster is a very real and alive creature AND that its existence disproves evolution.


Now that we got that out of the way, lets talk about a few things here because while the article is short...there are multiple things that make this remarkably dumb.  Ignoring that using public funds to teach religious dogma has some separation of church and state implications not to mention the fact that there is little to no proof that "Nessie" has ever ACTUALLY existed, lets take this at face value that Nessie is a living, breathing plesiosaur that scoots around a lake in Scotland that, on a good day, would make members of the Polar Bear Club consider wearing two layers of Speedos.  On top of that, we will assume that there is a population of "Nessies" that get busy and reproduce across the Scottish Highlands without anyone other than people with low resolution cameras and mental disorders seeing them.

Alright, if you see a get out of the water.  We don't want a repeat of the great
Lake Placid Massacre/Buffet of 1999

Even if all of that is true, how exactly does that disprove evolution?  Maybe something about Nessie's biology makes the plesiosaur the perfect predator in the land of Braveheart and Highlander but doesn't translate to inhospitable wastelands of the Great Lakes, Hawaii, or god forbid Freedonia.  Maybe there is something about Loch Ness miserable weather and temperatures that makes all of those lady Nessies get hot and bothered.  There isn't anything about the theory of evolution that is disproved by Nessie...although evolution (and for that matter the theory of common sense) might have some issues with the existence of Nessie in the first place.  I guess I just wonder about what the actual reward is for these crazy Cajuns invoking cryptozoology as proof that their worldview is right.

The most telling part of the article is towards the end when the leader of this cult, I mean the principal, says that the Academy tries "to stay away from all those things that might confuse our children".  I'm going to go out on a limb here...if your child goes to Eternity Christian Academy for any significant amount of time, a ketchup bottle will probably confuse them.  I'm all for religious freedom, but as far as I can tell, stupidity isn't so much a religion as it is a movement so congratulations Eternity Christian Academy and your 38 and your news are stoopid.