Fifty Shades of Grey plus Steak Sauce....is Stoopid

Hello again everyone,

There have been several articles that could have been posted here of late, but for this post I have been waiting for something that really spoke to me as being remarkably stupid to continue with the tradition the right way...luckily for all of us, I have finally found my muse.  You know the drill...I find the stoopid in the news and make fun of it, so without further adieu....

Boyfriend assaults girlfriend with steak sauce over ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’

Haha....awesome.  Alright, here is the rundown if you are lazy and don't want to read the article right away.  A man assaulted his girlfriend by attacking her with a bottle of steak sauce because she had been reading "Fifty Shades of Grey".  Yes, this actually happened, although it did happen in the UK which makes it slightly less surprising.

First, to the author of the article....for shame.  Within the first sentence you use the obvious pun of "sauciness" to describe Fifty Shades of Grey.  I understand that, at times, puns are unavoidable and/or irresistible, but there is already a bunch to make fun of here...no need for puns.

Second, really dude?  You honestly thought that Fifty Shades of Grey was so pornographic and distasteful that you had to go over to her place, slap her in the face, and then treat her like you would an overdone steak from Ruby Tuesday's?  Aside from the fact that you are scum of the earth for assaulting a woman, making a bottle of A1 an accessory to a felony is low.  Plus....who the hell carries around a bottle of steak sauce?  Its like he opened his glove box, saw the bottle, and was like "I never thought I would have to use this....but she leaves me no choice".  

Finally, to the chick.  First, sorry you got assaulted, that probably sucked.  More importantly, Fifty Shades of Grey is beyond terrible.  Its shoddily written and obviously just an attempt to get your juices flowing as a female while still being mainstream enough to be accepted by the public at large.  Its basically the next evolution of Twilight....S&M and all.  You probably do deserve to have some Heinz 57 dumped on your head if you enjoy reading that crap.  Join every other freedom-loving internet user and download your kinky porn at 1 am.  

News is Stoopid....as confirmed by the Loch Ness Monster

Hello everyone. This is the start of a reboot of my personal blog. While I thoroughly enjoyed posting my musings on various topics as I got the urge to write about them, I just didn't have enough inspiration and motivation to come up with topics and write about them. While I'm sure some minor giggles would have been received from me just posting pictures with funny captions, I think we can do better. As a result, its been quite some time since I posted anything at all... ...until now. Starting today and recurring basically anytime I see something I deem to be stupid, an example of something Darwinism missed, silly, moronic, etc in the news....I will share it with you, the people, along with my thoughts on it. No, I will not use a consistent standard for what is deemed to be worthy of inclusion other than I will be the one making that judgment. Yes, there may be some level of personal or political bias...although I do believe dumbassery transcends all boundaries. Hopefully this is enlightening...but at the very least I want it to be funny. With that in mind....

    Loch Ness Monster Proof Evolution is Wrong 

If Jesus turned water into wine, what did THIS used to be?

Alright, here is the gist of the article...there is a Christian academy in the bowels of Louisiana (which receives public funds) that, in order to bolster the case against evolution in their science classes, is promoting the ideas that both the Loch Ness Monster is a very real and alive creature AND that its existence disproves evolution.

HAHAHAHA....

Now that we got that out of the way, lets talk about a few things here because while the article is short...there are multiple things that make this remarkably dumb.  Ignoring that using public funds to teach religious dogma has some separation of church and state implications not to mention the fact that there is little to no proof that "Nessie" has ever ACTUALLY existed, lets take this at face value that Nessie is a living, breathing plesiosaur that scoots around a lake in Scotland that, on a good day, would make members of the Polar Bear Club consider wearing two layers of Speedos.  On top of that, we will assume that there is a population of "Nessies" that get busy and reproduce across the Scottish Highlands without anyone other than people with low resolution cameras and mental disorders seeing them.

Alright, if you see a dinosaur...you get out of the water.  We don't want a repeat of the great
Lake Placid Massacre/Buffet of 1999

Even if all of that is true, how exactly does that disprove evolution?  Maybe something about Nessie's biology makes the plesiosaur the perfect predator in the land of Braveheart and Highlander but doesn't translate to inhospitable wastelands of the Great Lakes, Hawaii, or god forbid Freedonia.  Maybe there is something about Loch Ness miserable weather and temperatures that makes all of those lady Nessies get hot and bothered.  There isn't anything about the theory of evolution that is disproved by Nessie...although evolution (and for that matter the theory of common sense) might have some issues with the existence of Nessie in the first place.  I guess I just wonder about what the actual reward is for these crazy Cajuns invoking cryptozoology as proof that their worldview is right.

The most telling part of the article is towards the end when the leader of this cult, I mean the principal, says that the Academy tries "to stay away from all those things that might confuse our children".  I'm going to go out on a limb here...if your child goes to Eternity Christian Academy for any significant amount of time, a ketchup bottle will probably confuse them.  I'm all for religious freedom, but as far as I can tell, stupidity isn't so much a religion as it is a movement so congratulations Eternity Christian Academy and your 38 students....you and your news are stoopid.

 

My Musings - My "Hates" as a Server

Hello one and all,

Allow me first to apologize that I haven't been able to update this as much as I have wanted.  My hope was that once I got past the beginning of the year I would have more free time to blog.  However, what happened was, in fact, the inverse.  I was scheduled endlessly at work and that, combined with the unfortunate flipping of my car at the high speed of 15 mph, sort of swallow my time and mental faculties.  Rest assured that I haven't forgotten about this thing and hopefully now that I have laid down some ground rules for my schedule (no more doom schedules with 5 doubles on them) and have time to experience the outside world (as well as sleep for that matter), I should hopefully both have more material to blog about as well as the time to do so.  Hopefully this funny picture of a squirrel will help make amends.

"Maybe I can make commercials like that Dos Equis guy..."

My "Hates" as a Server

As some of you may be aware, I am currently a waiter full-time.  While I would thoroughly enjoy continuing to further my education towards what I hope one day will be a doctorate, having young children to care for and a beautiful to buy things for required that I take some time to make the monies.  Before I moved back to school, I had served tables for a couple of years and had made fairly decent money at it.  Granted, I drank a lot of that money away so I don't know for SURE how much money I made, but I paid my bills and saved a substantial amount.  As a result, I went for a job serving tables at a local restaurant chain (which shall remain nameless) and got it.  Now, I had idealized images in my head of my return to serving tables.  However, within a few short weeks...I remembered why I went back to school.  First of all, I didn't get to dress up like this guy...

Secondly, there are a lot of pitfalls serving tables for a living that I had forgotten about....so I figure, why not share those with you...my "hates" as a server.  Before I begin though, there are some things that I like about serving.  I have been lucky enough to have some of the best regulars in the world at my stops in the serving world (with a couple notable exceptions that I will enumerate later) who I consider to be more friends than customers and who can single-handedly brighten my day if they show up.  I also make fairly decent money, especially considering the actual number of hours I work in a week, that I get to take home day to day.  Its nice to not have to wait for a paycheck.  There are also shifts where I do feel like I both A) did a great job and B) the guests knew/cared that I did a great job which does give a sense of accomplishment in certain respects.  Now that being said....I do have some things I want to say.  Most of this is just to get off my chest, but maybe it will help some of you realize that you are doing things that drive us (servers) crazy.

1.) People who have overly complex drink orders or order multiple drinks at once

Now, the exception to this is if you order a regular drink and an alcoholic drink.  You people are okay with me...if for no other reason that if you are drinking alcohol, you are probably going to entertain me a little and probably are going to tip better (the basic law of check average tells us this is true).  Now, for the rest of you assholes...please stop ordering decaf coffee at 2 PM in July to go with your half sweet tea, half unsweet tea....extra lime.  Then there are the water "with extra lemons and can you bring extra sugar too so I can make my own lemonade at the table" people who I have on more than one occasion considered charging for a lemonade when they do this.  My table is not a lemonade stand you cheap bastards.  Whenever people do this, I make a mental note of them in the hope that I will encounter them at THEIR places of employment and then I try to get free stuff from them shamelessly.  If you can't get by with one drink that has free refills and isn't some ridiculous ratio of sweet tea to water to unsweet tea concoction, then you don't need to go out to eat.  Also, the more complicated/stupid the drink order, the more likely you are just a douche that is going to hate everything we do anyways because you are too picky to be taken care of by anyone other than their mothers.

2.) Servers are emotionally unstable people....and folks who work in the kitchen are worse

"Here is your drink ma'am....please love me FOREVER!"

This one is probably more a function of where I am in my life.  I have a stable home life with a loving family and while we aren't loaded by any stretch of the imagination....we get by fairly comfortably.  I am, generally speaking, older than most of my coworkers and, as a result, just don't care about a lot of the things they care about.  That being said....it is amazing to me the type of person you have to be in order to be a server.  You really have to just put yourself on stage and out there over and over again....hoping that that will be good enough to get a good tip and make your livelihood.  However...this process also makes servers very fragile people in a lot of ways where if ANYTHING goes wrong...then they can just go completely off the rails in a hurry.  Every day, I see servers who come in and either got in a fight with their roommate or broke up with their boyfriend or had their cable turned off that morning and just watch them unravel during the course of the shift.  By the end of the night, they are near tears, screaming at anyone/everyone, and the rest of us have to basically do their jobs for them.  Now, the truly spectacular meltdowns, though, are saved for the kitchen guys.  I don't pretend to be able to understand the stress of working in a kitchen during a busy shift...but I am amazed at the amount of times I have seen a simple request from a server/guest/manager/fellow kitchen person turn into a profanity-laced tirade followed by them quitting.  While some of these things are funny, most of the time it just makes my life more difficult and hurt my money making ability.  I'm sure you had fun getting completely hammered with the kitchen staff last night, but you are 45 minutes late and I had to wait for you before they would let me go home.  I will now scream in your ear and hope that it will ring in your hangover-addled head for a couple of hours.

3.) Guests do....not....listen to you

This drives me crazy.  Contrary to popular belief, servers DO in most cases receive training on how to prevent mistakes in terms of ordering food.  They teach us how to repeat orders back to the guest in a way that helps insure that the order is correct as well as how to identify potential problems (an 80 year old woman on oxygen, for example, probably doesn't need to order the spiciest thing on the menu).  Does this solve all of our problems?  Hell no...no matter how clear I am saying that medium well will have a slightly pink center...some dumb bastards nod at me with a blank stare on their face and then, when they get their steak and its exactly the way I described, they say "oh, I didn't want any pink or blood in it" and I just want to stab them with their fork.  When I say, "we have rolls in the oven, as soon as they come out", do not ask me 10 seconds later BEFORE I EVEN LEAVE THE TABLE, "Hey, did you forget our rolls?"  No I didn't....and now I will try to forget that you are a total dumbass and suppress the urge to go and slash your tires.

4.) Managers in restaurant chains are often extremely trite and useless

"I notice that you don't have 15 pieces of flair..."

Don't get me wrong....managing the group of crazies that comprise basically every restaurant staff is not a task I envy and I have zero desire to do it.  That being said....wow, I could care less about a lot of what they say.  So much of it is "So, you didn't mention your name TWICE when you greeted the table Eric.  We do that to help create a relationship with our gues.....(zzzzzz)".  In a lot of cases, managers don't MANAGE so much as just recite the answers/company line they have memorized to respond with to specific situations.  Now some of this is outside their control because the company makes them do it (which makes it understandable if not excusable), but some of it is just because they ACTUALLY think this little trite phrases and mottos are clever and insightful.  I don't give a shit about the length of my apron, I couldn't care less about whatever acronym you want me to memorize that helps me remember what I'm supposed to say when I drop off a check, just let me take of these people and I will come to you if I actually need something.

The next one is the big one...

5.) Even if do everything you are supposed to, if any one of the following: hostess stand, managers, kitchen, or bus boys have a bad night...it will directly effect in a negative fashion the amount of money you take home

"Sigh....rolled three doubles in a row..."

This just infuriates me to no end.  I can be on my game.  I can be aware of my tables' needs, be on it in terms of friendliness and willingness to take care of people, and I can do everything I am supposed to....and still end up going home with little to show for it.  You see.....servers make $2.13 an hour plus tips...thats it.  We need tips in order to make our days worth while.  So when the kitchen screws up an order or the hostess stand (which is essentially run by 16 year old girls with a combined IQ of a bushel of potatoes) pisses someone off by sitting someone who came in after them or the managers don't communicate and a bunch of orders and guest issues get messed up....guess who the guests take it out on?  I'll give you a hint....its us.  Sure, they will tell you that they knew that you didn't cook the food and burn their steak and they may even smile.  But when you look at that credit card slip and you see that $3 tip on a $40 tab, they are showing you exactly how they felt.  Serving tables is in a very small minority of jobs where the inadequacies of your other coworkers contributes DIRECTLY to how much money you take home.  Teachers have to deal with dumb kids, sure, and that can reflect poorly on test scores which sucks.  But its not like if 5 kids fail a test they dock 20% of their pay....which is basically what happens with us.   If the bus boys are not cleaning tables quickly (or at all in some cases), then I can't have people sitting in my section, which means I'm not making money.  

So the next time you are in a restaurant, I hope this helps you realize what servers have to go through....especially those of us who aren't batshit crazy and are simply trying their best to get by. 

Thanks for reading....as a parting gift, here is a basket of opossums

 

My Musings - My Struggle as an Ex-Republican

Hello one and all,

First of all, sorry about the lack of content over the last month and a half or so.  I know that you have all missed me horribly, but a number of factors have contributed to my absence from the blogosphere as of late (as well as from the world at-large).  First and foremost, my work schedule has been oppressive to say the least.  The upside to my job is that I don't work super long shifts and the money is fairly easy considering what I actually do.  The downside is that A) employee turnover is exceptionally high so, given that I am a constant, they like for me to work lots when people quit/get fired/disappear into the void, B) I'm pretty good at my job...which means they like for me to work extra lots, and C) my availability is pretty open (which I do in an attempt to engender goodwill)....which results in me working shifts that others find undesirable for one reason or another.  Hopefully this problem will sort itself out in the near future.  The second problem was that it was the holidays and I have a family that I love and want to spend time with.  It is difficult to deliver high level content when my daughter is in my lap making monkey noises and my darling Katie is wanting to have quality time with yours truly.  I apologize for nothing.  Finally, for the past several weeks...my aforementioned family was afflicted with rounds of the plague which I managed to avoid sans 1.5 days of intestinal doom.  So I was on nurse duty trying to get them over their various ailments.

"Daddy, we need medicines...and pity!"

However, I found myself with a little free time this evening, so I thought a little bit about what to write and I decided to come clean with something that some of you may have not known and more probably needed a cogent explanation for.  You see...at one point earlier in my life...I was Republican.  Not a pretend "my parents are Republican" Republican.  A card-carrying, president of a chapter of the Young Republicans and worked on campaigns Republican.  My transition away from that way of viewing the world and politics in general was a long one.  Some steps were very sudden, others were far more gradual.  To this day, I have tendencies towards conservatism in some respects and there are Republicans I have a large amount of respect for.  A list includes Richard Lugar, Mitch Daniels, Ron Paul, Lindsey Graham, and Colin Powell (not necessarily in order and the list isn't exhaustive).  Do I agree with these people?  Not really (at least not on most things and my views have parted over time), but I do have a large amount of respect for them for a variety of reasons.  However, I thought it could be interesting for you folks (and definitely cathartic for me) to throw out there where things went "off the rails" for me.  Maybe it will be useful, instructive, or interesting...but at least its better than making a facebook page for your pet.

1.) Social Conservatism is stupid

Don't get me wrong....people have religious/spiritual beliefs for a variety of reasons and from a variety of backgrounds.  I get that.  But for some reason, generally speaking, social conservatism has just categorically decided that Christian beliefs (or in some cases other religions) are completely incompatible with certain behaviors or other beliefs.  The obvious ones are abortion, birth control, and homosexuality.  Let's be clear...I don't anyone to be forced to be aborted.  I don't want condoms strapped on to the unwilling.  And I don't want Ellen Degeneres (sp?) and Neil Patrick Harris going around raping people.  But really...thats an awfully lot like what it seems like coming from the social conservative...as if these things, just by existing, are being forced upon them when it isn't true.  This is especially troublesome given that a major part of Christian belief is based around free will and the "choice" to believe in God's love and in the fact that Jesus was who he said he was.  Christians aren't nearly as ardent against those who don't believe (at best, they are disdainful in most situations) than those who are gay ("Don't touch me").  That seems incongruous to me.

"You don't want to know what I'm going to do with this unicorn"

Aside from that problem, another problem with social conservatism is that the foundation for a lot of these social views are based in Biblical scripture.  Don't get me wrong...scripture can be cool.  But at the same time, Christians have, over time, adapted to the times and to the fact that the Bible was written within a specific historical context.  Some of the things that we forbidden by scripture were just a good idea from a health and hygiene standpoint (homosexuality could have prevented villages from having a next generation plus some specific hygiene associated issues and I don't even want to know what birth control methods could have been employed...that just gives me the willies).  Christians have understood this to be true...so why is it that THESE practices, whose "okayness" is debatable at least by very reasonable people, have become so heinous as to rally the troops at every mention, while the following scriptures (which is in some cases is far more literal than those cited for the above issues) have fallen by the wayside.

DEUTERONOMY 22:13-21

If it is discovered that a bride is not a virgin, the Bible demands that she be executed by stoning immediately.

DEUTERONOMY 22:22

If a married person has sex with someone else's husband or wife, the Bible commands that both adulterers be stoned to death.

MARK 10:1-12

Divorce is strictly forbidden in both Testaments, as is remarriage of anyone who has been divorced.

LEVITICUS 18:19

The Bible forbids a married couple from having sexual intercourse during a woman's period. If they disobey, both shall be executed.

MARK 12:18-27

If a man dies childless, his widow is ordered by biblical law to have intercourse with each of his brothers in turn until she bears her deceased husband a male heir.

DEUTERONOMY 25:11-12

If a man gets into a fight with another man and his wife seeks to rescue her husband by grabbing the enemy's genitals, her hand shall be cut off and no pity shall be shown her.

Again....just food for thought.  At the end of the day, I just can't judge people for their choices.  I can't hate someone or shun them or deny them legal protection/rights because of who they are attracted to.  I can say that I would not want a fetus that I had any part in creating aborted...but the science isn't there to say that a human life starts at X and it is very reasonable for me to see that sometimes people can make a decision that is different from mine and I don't fault them for it.  To be a Republican right now, I would have to, at the very least, put up with a lot of that sort of nonsense and I can't do it.

2.) The GOP is anti-intellectual

There, I said it.  The best thing that ever happened to the Republican Party was higher drop out rates.  I am SO tired of this part of the current way of conservative thinking...that somehow "Ivy League intellectualism is responsible for all of our social ills and we need to get some "common sense" solutions right now."  First, stop...you sound like a moron, and thats probably because you are a moron.  Second, you doesn't want their kid to go to an Ivy League school?  We have some of the best colleges in the world, many of which are classified as Ivy League.  While there are certainly arguments against elitism, its not like these places haven't earned their reputations without ANY cause.  If my kids get in to Harvard or Yale or Princeton, first I will probably have a heart attack at the cost, but then I will do everything in my power to get them there.  College isn't for everyone...I get that.  But the very thought that because someone went to a good college makes them unfit to make good political/policy decisions is arguably the stupidest thing I have ever heard.  The best way I have to illustrate this is here:  You take someone who is uneducated but bright, run them through a great school, and the conclusions they draw from this experience lead them towards being liberal.  What is more likely...that the school somehow indoctrinates students into being liberal (which is laughable given what tax bracket these folks can come from in a lot of cases) or that a strong education means you may know somethings that others don't...which leads to....yeah....

"Indoctrinating and de-common-sensifying students since 1636"

The other problem I have with this anti-intellectualism is that its just a terrible message to send, to kids and just in general.  Don't become a scientist...you'll just want to prove global warming is real like the rest of these
"scientists"!  Don't study creationism and the history of evolution...that means you don't believe in God!  Don't read....otherwise you'll get ideas!  It really has come down to the fact that the educated are looked down upon by Republicans because, to be blunt, many of their "simple" ideas don't withstand intellectual rigor very well.  Conservatism is very much governing "with your gut" and that often isn't good enough for a lot of the educated.  Thats not to say that these conservative ideas can't be justified intellectually or academically (seriously, read some of Robert Bork's writings.  The guy is more right-wing than Palin...but he is flat out brilliant), but its easier to make the educated into an enemy that they don't have to understand.  It also preys on the resentment of the uneducated...many of whom, sadly, would have went to high school or college if they could have but didn't for one reason or another.  A lot of those folks become conservatives...and thats a shame.

3.) A lot of Republicans are just douchebags

I'm not saying that ALL Republicans are douchebags.  Far from it.  I have several friends who are ardent Republicans that I hold in very high esteem.  I admire many Republican officials and even some GOP media personalities (Papa O'Reilly is growing on me....I think understands his position as an entertainer and not an expert better than he is given credit for....still disagree with 98% that comes out of his mouth though).  But seriously.....Glenn Beck?  Sarah Palin?  Rush Limbaugh?  I'm not saying that there aren't liberal assclowns (I'm looking at you, Bono), but do you really want me to listen to Ann Coulter say anything?!  

"I disagree...with everything....forever....f*cking baby killer"

These pundits sole purpose seems to be to disagree with everything Obama (or any liberal) says AND/OR causing/fabricating controversies and lacing all of that with subtle (or not so subtle) racism/sexism/homophobia.  If that was where it ended...with the pundits being that way...then it would be okay.  But conservatives are not that far off.  From those who are older that come from a time when judging someone by their skin was okay and haven't changed their minds to the guy who was raised hating gay people so calls everyone they don't like "fag" to even those that use the word "liberal" like its a curse word....go away.  You are using political jargon to vocalize and extend your assholeness into a new realm.  I don't have time for contrarians and if I encounter them....I make a point of embarassing them.  Unfortunately...they are a higher concentration of these sorts of folks in the conservative ranks than elsewhere...so I bid you adieu.

Guest Post - Top 4 - 64 Man SOM Draft Premiere

This is going to be the first guest written post here at Lep's Corner and I couldn't be happier than for it to be from orangerhyming.  He has been on a tear on MTGO of late, in particular in Scars of Mirrodin 8-4s and today he is going to share is account of how he top 4ed a 64 man Scars draft premiere.  Enjoy.



Janking Into Top Four

A) Draft Janky Deck in Draft One
B) Barely Grind Out Wins
C) Begin Top 8 Draft on Pick 18

At first glance, this may seem like an unorthodox recipe for a Top 4 berth. Your first glance is correct;
however, this is exactly what happened in my first ever premiere event experience on Magic Online.
Had I known that I would have had any success at all in this event, I would have taken notes on each
round. As it stands, I will do my best to recap the highlights.

The event was a 64 player SOM draft premiere. Following the initial draft, it was single elimination. The
Top 8 drafted again.

Here is the deck I drafted:

Acid Web Spider
Alpha Tyrranax x2
Bonds of Quicksilver
Carapace Forger x2
Chrome Steed x2
Dissipation Field
Flight Spellbomb
Gold Myr
Leaden Myr
Memnite
Perilous Myr
Riddlesmith
Screeching Silcaw
Slice in Twain
Stoic Rebuttal
Strata Scythe
Tangle Angler
Turn Aside
Untamed Might
Volition Reins

Island x9
Forest x8

Now, as you can see, there are some questionable choices in this deck. (Who plays Silcaw? Turn Aside
maindecked? 2 Tyrannax??) I wish that I had some incredible insight or tech to explain my choices. The
truth is that these were my only playables. The signals were so ambiguous and mixed that I never really
got a read on what the players to my right and left were drafting. I first picked the Voliton Reins, second
picked the Slice in Twain, and from there it got ugly. That being said, I did 3-0 with this deck.

Great limited card....or greatest limited card?!

The MVP of the deck was Tangle Angler, followed closely by Strata Scythe and Slice in Twain. My proudest/most shameful moment came when, for the win, I cracked a Flight Spellbomb to give my
Tangle Angler flying, attached the Strata Sythe for +4/+4, and played Untamed Might for 5 to win the
game via poison. There was a good, full minute pause by my opponent, which is understandable, before
he conceded. If I had been on the losing end of that game, I may have put my fist through my computer
screen. Alas, a win is a win is a win. I only drew Volition Reins once, to steal a Razor Hippogriff at a
timely moment for a win. I honestly don’t remember much else from the first three rounds of the
premiere. I’ll try to keep better track for the next big event I do.

Top 8 Draft

I was pretty psyched to make the Top 8 of a big event. As I was recounting the events thus far to my
friend uwgeric, I noticed that it was taking a long time to move into the second draft. I didn’t think
much of it at first, but I relogged twice just to make sure I wasn’t missing the draft.

Funny story—I was missing the draft. I don’t know what happened in Modo, but after completely
exiting the program and starting it back up, I was able to see my draft…AND THE 18 CARDS THAT IT
AUTOPICKED FOR ME. Clearly pissed, I tried my best to finish the draft with a positive attitude, with
varying results. All things considered, I actually had a semi-playable deck to work with. But before we
get to that…

My autopicked cards:

Instill Infection
Tel-Jilad Fallen
Withstand Death x2
Blistergrub
Soliton
Fulgent Distraction
Island
Mountain
Swamp x2
Forest
Glimmerpost
Oxidda Daredevil x2
Corpse Cur
Furnace Celebration
Golem Foundry

I think we are all glad this didn't make into the maindeck

(Really, Modo? 6 lands?)

The closest thing to a first pick in the entire jank pile was corpse cur. Not exactly how I wanted to start
my first Top 8 draft. Seeing as the only viable option that my autopicks gave me was to force infect, I did
my best to oblige for the remainder of the draft. Here is the deck I played.

Bellowing Tanglewurm
Carapace Forger x2
Carrion Call
Copper Myr x2

Corpse Cur
Genesis Wave
Golem Foundry
Grafted Exoskeleton
Infiltration Lens
Instill Infection x2
Myr Galvanizer
Myr Propagator
Tel-Jilad Fallen x2
Trigon of Infestation
Tumble Magnet
Withstand Death

Forest x14
Swamp x4

Going into round one, I didn’t like my chances. I mean, I did miss my first 18 picks. But, I am a fighter,
so I went for it tooth and nail.

Game One:
I get slightly mana-screwed early on, stalling on 3 lands. He is playing a U/W metalcraft deck, but it
might as well have been a straight artifact deck. He lands a couple of Chrome Steeds before I can get
anything going and then drops a Tumble Magnet. That’s all she wrote.

Game Two:

This was a crazy game that was over fast. The short version:

My side: Painsmith, Tel-Jilad Fallen
His Side: Tumble Magnet, Gold Myr, Myrsmith

On my next turn I play Tumble Magnet, giving the Fallen +2/+0 with the Painsmith, tap down the
Myrsmith, and swing for 5 poison.

His turn: Chrome Steed, creating Myr token.

My turn: Wall of Tanglecord, again giving Fallen 2 more power, tap down the Myrsmith again, and swing
for the poison win.

At this point, I feel like I have a shot. If it can win one game…

Painsmith...thwarting MTGO autpicker since 2010

Game Three:

This one was a hard fought battle. I got through for 3 or 4 poison early in the game and he stabilized.
Late in the game, I finally draw the Tanglewurm, making my Tel-Jilad Fallen unblockable. I am able to
hold off his assault and push through for enough before he can get me to zero.

Top Four:

I’m ecstatic that I made it this far, especially considering the circumstances of Draft 2. I realize that I
got pretty lucky in the first round, so I wasn’t holding my breath for a win in top four. It’s a good thing I
wasn’t, because I would’ve died a painful death by asphyxiation.

No need for details here. I lost to a much better Infect deck, 2-0. I remember both games beginning
with turn one Sylvok Life staff, turn two Ichorclaw Myr, which is just bad news. I lost to the better deck,
and I’m quite alright with that.

So, all in all, it was a crazy event. With my original draft deck, I was not expecting to Top 8 at all. Some
strong play got me through and I was proud of myself. Draft two was a mess. . I do wonder what
would’ve happened if I had been able to make all of my picks. Still, it was a lot of fun, and I walked away
with more packs than I had when I started…which, in the end, is what matters.

orangerhyming

My Musings - My Worst Movies (and why I love some and hate others)

During the course of my life, I have long had a fascination with movies.  This has had little to nothing to do with the movie-going experience.  For much of my childhood and even early adult life, I have been dirt poor...so as a result, paying more money for popcorn and a soda than I did for the actual movie ticket wasn't exactly something that drove me to the theater.  Moreover, while I do enjoy watching movies "on the big screen" with sweet special effects and stadium sound...it is also true that douchebags seem to enjoy the same thing and they always seem to sit directly behind me (no matter how many seats are open) and either prop their feet up on my seat or are obnoxiously loud during the whole movie.

"That will be $37.00 please"

Now, it would be bad enough that I have spent more than I care to share at the concession stands at movie theaters.....but I have also seen some TERRIBLE movies in addition to some truly spectacular ones.  Now, I could try to share how some movies (see: Turtles Can Fly, Schindler's List, What Dreams May Come) continue to this day to blow my mind with their awesomeness, its a lot funnier to tell my tales of woe and how I came to watch some of the worst movies of all-time.  Admittedly, I haven't seen ALL of these movies in theaters and I will distinguish those accordingly.  I thought about doing some sort of Top 10 list, but these movies really all contribute to the same pile of excrement that I choose to discuss them as an aggregate while only differentiating them to both explain specifically why they are awful as well as to add any funny anecdotes I may have.  These are numbered, but only in terms of the order that they appear to my recollection.

1.) The Fountain

Alright, I want to be absolutely clear....this is more than just ONE bad movie.  Somehow, and really this was a bit of an achievement (the only achievement that this movie managed), the writers managed to combine the worst space monk movie they could think of with a terrible romantic drama and a nonsensical short film about a Spanish conquistador.  The resulting shitstorm of a film had my brain about to implode only to end with a scene involving Hugh Jackman ingesting tree semen then shortly thereafter crashing himself into a star.  Does that sound potentially awesome...maybe, but the execution had myself and several others confused as to how we were ever convinced to go see it in the first place (the answer being that we were persuaded by a harpy of a woman that from here on in will be known as "It")

2.) Battlefield Earth

This one was truly my fault that I went to (I even convinced a friend to go to it with me).  I honestly and truly thought that a movie starring John Travolta and Forest Whittaker portraying aliens that took over Earth while adhering to much of the mythology (there I said it) of Scientology was going to be awesome.  Suffice it to say...I couldn't have been more wrong.  Aside from the fact that John Travolta's good performances on-screen have turned out to be the exceptions to the rule, the rest of the cast was terribly cast, the story was horrifically predictable and transparent, and the special effects were less than exciting.  This one haunts me to this day.

3.) Spice World

This one was only partially my fault.  You see...I was extremely awkward in middle school and I found myself with a rare chance to go on a date with a girl who hadn't lost a bet.  She proclaimed that we had to go see this movie because it was going to be "amazing".  The resulting first 25 minutes of this film made me realize a couple things.  First, while the Spice Girls were extremely attractive, I was amazed that they had survived as long as they had without killing themselves trying to figure out VCR instructions (combined IQ of 45...max).  Second, I was perfectly fine being alone, without a girlfriend, so long as I never had to watch movies as bad as this again.  Seriously....this set my dating life back a couple years.  I left her after those 25 minutes...in the theater....and called my parents to pick me up.  She never spoke to me again.

4.) Epic Movie


Now, it does sort of go without saying that most, if not all, of these parody movies are terrible (a couple of the Scary Movie parodies weren't awful).  However, what made this a particularly memorable moment was I went with the UWG debate team to this movie....in Chicago...in the middle of the blizzard.  We took a cab to the theater (because the blizzard had delayed our flight) and afterwards, we were unable to find a cab back to the hotel which was 2 miles away.  So what did we do?  Yes, we walked...in the middle of a blizzard...in Chicago.  It was like our own little Trail of Tears where we almost lost one of our debaters to a rather steep hill and my shoes began dissolving due to the toxic slush that was on the streets of Chicago.  All of that...to see Epic Movie....sigh.

5.) Tomb of the Blind Dead


This is the first movie on the list that I did not see in theater...mainly because it came out in the 1970's and is a Spanish film.  First of all, the premise of movie is laughable.  You see...the zombies/mummies/whatever they are are awakened and kill people.  Thats simple enough....but you see, they are, as the title alludes, blind.  Just wrap your head around how stupid the victims have to be to be hunted and killed by blind zombies and you can begin to understand how bad this movie is.  Its terribleness is capped by the fact that not only is there a rape scene that is comically bad in terms of its timing ("We are running from the blind zombies...I will now take this opportunity to rape you") but also by some of the worst subtitle translations I have ever witnessed.  Fun fact:  This movie was viewed with a couple good friends of mine on the same night as the next movie on the list (we actually watched three movies that night...the other being the timeless cult classic "Slugs")

6.) Dollman vs. The Demonic Toys

Now, far be it for me to disparage the storied Dollman franchise (and when I say "storied"...I mean that watching Dollman's adventures actually can cause someone to want to jump off a ten story building), but this movie is just awful.  Bad special effects (as per the usual in the early 1990's) combined with terrible acting and a laughable plot makes me honestly wonder who thought that both "Dollman" and "Demonic Toys" ACTUALLY warranted a crossover sequel.  Then again...they did make Rocky 5, so I guess folks just liked making sequels 20 years ago.

7.) Twister

If you have read my previous Musings, you may have come across my hatred for one Bill Paxton and this movie is a primary reason why.  See, I wanted SO badly to see this movie in theaters.  The special effects looked awesome, tornadoes are cool, and the combination of the two seemed like an unbeatable combination.  What did we get?  Paxton staring at tornadoes and trying to channel their feelings into some sort of predictive prowess.  I had hopes that he was going to get impaled by a high-speed chicken or getting launched by high winds into the horizon, but sadly he survived and my dreams of watching the greatest films EVER were dashed.  There were some other shortcomings (watching Helen Hunt try to appear scientific knowledgeable is awkward at best), but my primary hatred revolves around Paxton as the "tornado whisperer".  Curse you, Bill Paxton!

One day, Paxton.....one day....

My Musings - My Love's Evil Plan

Words cannot describe my love for my Katie.  She is hilarious, smart, beautiful, and the best life partner a person could ever ask for.  However, this morning....she unleashed her wrath upon me.  You see, from time to time, I forget to do things she asks me to do.  Not everything, not even most things....just I will forget to do a household task or to run an errand.  Its just my nature and I try my best to not do so and I am actually fairly productive around the house.  Katie, it appears anyways, decided to take matters into her own hands and make sure that I understand who the boss was around the house (hint: its not me).  I wasn't sure at first that the events that unfolded were nothing more than an unfortunate sequence of coincidences.  However, I have unearthed her manifesto and have put it into pictures.  Be warned....the following is a plan of, quite simply, pure EVIL!!!