Tuesday, November 2, 2010

My Musings - My Less than Ordinary Life

Well, my sleep schedule is semi-screwed up and after surveying the fairly depressing election results as they have rolled in (thank god Christine O'Donnell didn't get elected at least...its the little things that I must find joy in), I decided that I would give you all, my avid readers, a little taste of the less than ordinary life that I have lived thus far.  Now, at first glance, I have a fairly normal and happy existence that seems to be in line with many mainstream life goals.  I have my Katie with whom I plan on living a long and happy life with, a hilarious and awesome baby daughter, and a stepson who constantly amazes me with his gifts and his view of the world.  I have a house and a job like many others, but there have been other things that I have done that have made my life, at least in my mind, unique and hilarious in its own sort of way.  So behold, my hilarious existence in bullet point form (in some cases I will remove context for comedic effect or because I am lazy).

- After eating as many donuts as I could in 3 minutes with a fake plastic pirate hook and dancing in a cocktail dress to the classic 1980's tune "Mickey" in front of 1,700 people, I was awarded a plastic tiara which I lost several hours later.

Dramatization (not pictured: me)

-   I was racing another car heading back to school from spring break on what can only be described as the most boring stretch of road in the history of mankind.  Suffice it to say, I was pulled over for going 100 in a 65 mph zone.  Did I get a ticket or lose my license? No, but only because the OTHER vehicle refused to stop behind me, drove along the shoulder, and the driver proceeded to tell the very concerned officers that we were TRYING to get pulled over because a white Honda with personalized license plates ran us off the road and we didn't have cell phones (my cell phone was sitting in the passenger seat).  Suffice it to say, after recounting this tale to the officers, they sped off, and I was sitting there dumbstruck while thanking this man for saving me.  I saw no less than 9 white Hondas pulled over on that stretch of road after that.

Sorry dude...but it was me or you

- After extensive training and practice, I can safely say that I can speak at a higher rate of speed than the Micro Machine Guy and Twista.  I did this to compete in high school and collegiate debate.

I ownz youz guyz

- I have engaged in hand-to-hand combat with a hawk and a bat (successfully defeated the bat, got owned by the hawk.  See previous Musings for details)

- In a misguided attempt to find an outlet for my athletic competitive urges, I participated in a mixed martial arts club that had tournament scrimmages.  What was surprising is that I actually performed very well given my lack of formal training and, in general, lack of any discernible physical prowess.  What is less surprising is that my last fight, I was basically squished into a near death experience at the hands of a 250 former Army Ranger.

Not actually this guy....but scarily close

- In high school, I was on a very well-regarded and successful Model UN team and during my senior year, we raised enough money to attend a huge conference at the University of Pennsylvania.  Despite my urgings (only from a strategic perspective....I didn't want to go into a big conference with a bullseye on me), we chose to represent Palestine as a team in various committees.  However, my trepidations proved to be unfounded as we won fairly handily.  However, this was January 2002....just months removed from the Sept. 11th attacks and airport security was understandably high.  However, in the haze of our win, I thought it would be a good idea to wear a Palestine t-shirt with Arabic writing on it while carrying a plastic box (which contained only a couple books and some file folders with research in them).  Now normally this isn't a problem, but my appearance did get me randomly searched.  The problem came when they opened my box and it contained folders with things written on the tabs like "Al-Qaeda" and "Terrorism".  Suffice it to say that I got everything I have had with me swabbed and checked and their search of my person was very....thorough.  I did, however, manage to make it to my flight.

This nun got off easy compared to what I had to deal with

- While working as a night auditor at a hotel in Savannah, at around 3 am one night a bunch of (then) WWF wrestlers came in wanting to check into their rooms.  They introduced themselves as their wrestler names and, seeing as how I didn't have any "Edge"s in my database, I just checked them into empty rooms, no harm, no foul.  However, as I was getting their credit cards I realized something terrible had happened.  You see, if you make a hotel reservation and don't cancel....you get charged at 2 am of the night you made the reservation.  And these guys, as it turns out, didn't have parents that hated them and had real, not ridiculous names.  I charged them twice.  Now I didn't want to be murdered by a bunch of a professional wrestlers, so my next 6 hours consisted of my trying to rectify this problem (which was compounded by the fact that I had already run the audit so the previous day had already been closed out).  I did manage to fix it...and one of the wrestlers (who shall remain nameless....but he was well-known) showed his thanks by shitting all over his room.  Not being metaphorical....his feces was strewn about the room.

Picture these guys...only real and scary

- I believe I am the unofficial master of roadkill bingo.  I don't know what it is, but it seems like any member of the animal kingdom who is suicidal will inevitably find me while I'm driving and use me as the means of their demise.  So far the list consists of dog, cat, squirrel, opossum, armadillo, raccoon, woodchuck, chipmunk, dove, seagull, snake, turtle, rabbit, and fish (yes, a fish).  However, I am one of the few people in my family who has NOT hit a deer, although I have had a couple near misses and I also almost added a cow.

Not sure what "urk" is....but I would still dominate with this board

There are other stories out there floating around, but I have ideas for future musings based on them (although with some killer artwork by yours truly).  Hope you enjoyed this week's Musings!


  1. How in the hell did you hit a fish?

  2. On the causeway after it had rained....I was driving passed the inevitable giant puddle, fish jumped, and then fish was very dead.